Anxiety is stealing my joy.
In most moments, whether they’re good or bad my anxiety is there. Always lurking around the perimeter, ready to strike the moment I let my guard down and forget that it’s there. I doubt what I say to friends. Always worrying that what I said was dumb despite everyone laughing at my perfectly timed response. I doubt myself when I explain to my husband my struggles instead of finding it therapeutic, I worry that I’ve made him upset when deep down I know he’s not. My anxiety convinces me of these things. It steals the joy out of my happy moments. It shadows my good days. And it follows my every move.
Sure I have medication for it, but I find it so frustrating that my brain and my hormones just can’t get along and work together as they should. Was I likely predestined to have anxiety issues? Most definitely. Women on both my maternal and paternal sides dealt with varying depression and anxiety issues at different stages of their lives. It also doesn’t help that I’ve had life altering events that triggered this in me, like my fathers death when I was 12. Heredity and life have dealt me this hand, and all I can do is try and manage it.
Managing the anxiety is the difficult part, especially since I’m a mother. My 2 month old is pretty much attached to me all day until she goes to sleep at night. My 7 year old, who use to be quiet independent, is now very needy on days she’s on her own after finding playmates and confidants in her step siblings and half sister at her dads. She’s also struggling with the birth of another sister at her dads followed by the birth of her sister with me 2 months later this past fall/early winter. Knowing she’s struggling due to a decision I made just guts me. I’m also a wife. My husband is a high school teacher. He’s also a coach for two sports so in the fall and winter he’s home late most nights because of practices, meets, conferences, meetings, etc. To some this may not seem all that crazy. But when anxiety is involved, the most simple of task can be overwhelming. Throw in other daily task and I’m spent.
I know this won’t last forever though. I know my hormones are still leveling out after being pregnant. I know my meds will help balance everything until my body can regulate itself again. I know my husband is still madly in love with me and will do anything to help me through this. My children are beautiful and healthy. My friends are amazing and honestly as anxiety riddled as I am at times. And my family loves me no matter what and know I’ll rise from this stage in life as I have in the past.
Anxiety sucks, but it doesn’t have to control you. Seek out help. Seek out medical attention. Seek out friends. You aren’t alone, and it will be okay. ❤️